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The Onion, My Short Review

Ya know I was reading Andy’s New Newsy News (laughing of course, and realized…laughing is cool). I can get bogged down by the daily grind of reading hella newspapers to find atheist/religious news stories that I can personalize and turn into my own. There is nothing like the feeling I get when I mine others real journalistic work, take two or three of them, connect the dots-even if they don’t connect-and force them to the conclusion that there is no God. I need to get a phone so the Pulitzer Prize Committee can call me for their most epic blogger award. The last one went to PZ, you know, because he wins all the other polls and contests. After reading Andy’s work, I thought about my old go to, the Onion. Haven’t been there in a while so I decide to check it out.

Here’s a good article on the Pope (I don’t know which one we are on now, but that doesn’t matter, cause it never ever mattered). In it the Pope, if that is his real name, admitted that he has been laying down the Jesus talk kinda think lately. His statement about cutting down on the Jesus this, jesus that crap was pretty amazing, not because it is true, but because he was wearing slacks and a dress shirt. He’s also trying to tone down the extravagant dress ensembles. Not many people know this, Put Pope (pick a number) used to have a secret fashion contest with Gaddaffi to see who could dress over the top at the most events. As of now, no one has admitted defeat.

Super horrifically some hard to look at obese, less than human, children have been called to use their unique and only skills to combat and contain and massive 188 wheeler turn over on the highway, blocking traffic for miles with tankers full of spilled sugar goo. We have heard of introducing competitive species of insects to battle insects to save crops; and also the birds that have to come in to eat the insects, then the unspayed or neutered cats that need to come in and take over that situation. Father of one of the disgusting children, with no future, said, “Everything happens for a reason, it must be a sign”. Instantly I told him that we live in a cold universe that has no concern for our lives and things don’t’ happen for a reason and it is only after the fact that we could add meaning to said events. To my surprise he got mad and started to yell at me and proceeded to have a major heartattack. I didn’t try and save his life because he is an ugly dog face.

Scientology is losing ground to a new made up sciencefiction religion.I haven’t read the article yet, but I do find it a tall task to beat L.Ron. Hubbard, the Xenu thing, all the money it takes to pay your way to the next level or learning status (so you can feel that much superior to the poorer peeps in your made up religion. Still, I wish the fictionist luck. We can never have too many fake, man made, beliefs that earn money for a select few, while the poor pray and give their lifesaving to support their extravagant lifestyles.

So there you have it. asmall update on the countries best fake news, the Onion


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