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Ooops, "It" Happened Again

It’s like a tsunami, you can’t stop it.

 Of all the places for it to happen, it had to happen on the sh*tter. I’m was totally going poo and simult. had an anxiety attack. On my old blog I used to tell more personal stories, not so much here. For sh*ts-n-giggles look up Kriss The Sexy Atheist on myspace and there you can read my poetry and chronicles of my anxiety and depression and the very occasional girl chasing.

One of the first anxiety attacks I had was on the way home from awesomeness. It was one of those really good 90 degree Sacramento evenings, I had just left the Friday Free Concert where I chilled with 2,000 of my closest beer drinking friends and I was going home to get my weed…so I could meet up with my friends…and jam, we were going to play music. Fo sho it doesn’t get any better than that; except when Kriss falls apart. On the way home I just started crying and crying uncontrollably. I was a trooper, I didn’t pull over, I just kept riding-as if not pulling over is some sort of depression trophy or something, it’s not-and when I got home, I just stayed home. It was after that that I went to go get help and medicine-The Zac (and it totally helps, I really recommend it).

This is my nice place I go to in my head. Boracay, Philippines.

But I don’t takes the meds anymore and it very rarely ever happens-not even once a year as of late, well, at least until yesterday. There are a lot of misconceptions of what anxiety and depression really is. I think most have to do with control, as if one can control their situation, feelings, or serotonin level in the brain.

I often here “you looked bummed out?” First of all, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and for better or worse, I’m not fake-I’m genuine. Even tho I have to work with the public, I’m not going to act fake happy…I’d rather just work in the back and let my awesome coworker deal with the front. Peeps get bummed out when they lose their wallet. That is an accident that, if they were more careful, then they could have avoided losing their wallet and being bummed out. Anxiety and depression is low serotonin levels and there is nothing one can do to “avoid the accident”-hence, no control.

“I hope you snap out of it.” Thanks, I really appreciate that, even tho I want to scream at the top of my powerful athletic lungs when I hear that. What is there to snap out of, the being “bummed out” that it isn’t anyways. “Snapping out” implies some sort of control and I’m telling you guys…there is no control, there is no controlling it. It happens, then you pick up the pieces. Believe me, if there was a way to “snap out of it” don’t-cha think that me, or anyone else that is depressed, would do it. That is another thing. “Snap out of it” implies control and when you can’t do it, that makes it worse-because someone is demanding that you take control of what you can’t control and when you can’t do that (because it’s impossible) then you feel worse because you ask yourself “what is wrong with me…why can’t I snap out of it?”.

Really, I do appreciate all the well wishers, but…f*ck I don’t know what to do. On one hand I can acknowledge that it is a nice gesture, while on the other hand…STFU I don’t have any energy to make you feel better, all my energy is for me, to make me feel better. When I ‘zombie-response’ (blow them off) a well wisher, then next step is usually me making them feel better. So I ‘slighted’ you, you tried to do good, but you said something stupid, like “snap out of it”. Now you want me to use my energy to explain to you why you can’t/shouldn’t say that, I hurt your feelings and now you want me to say something to make you feel better-I can’t do any of those things right now.

I’m too busy crying in the bathroom while trying to take a sh*t. (I can’t even finish this post…maybe I’ll try again later, with some effort and links-n-stuffs.).

Oh…and one more thing. Don’t tell me to take St. Johns Wart. CAM doesn’t work. I have depression and anxiety, I’m not stupid. I’m still a skeptic and if you want to force your silly belief upon me, the way you want me to ‘snap out of it’, then STFU and get out. St. Johns Wart is crap, it doesn’t work, if it did work, then would not everyone take it (medical conspiracy you say…that is totally silly and a reasonable adult should never believe in such crap). Damm, now I’m manic babbling-n-sh*t. Sun pls come out, I heart you. Kriss

OK, one more one more thingy…If there is an all powerful Gawd that designed humans, then it is a crappy design. To be emotionally fragile all the time, to have moods dependent on how much sun you get, to have your eyes well up with tears as your mind races with confusion for no external reason, this is his design. His design sucks.


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