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That Repentent Prostitute And The Empty Tomb

Mmmm, I wonder if Kriss is wearing a shirt right now. Probably not.

OK, this is the post that I wrote yesterday and while I was editing it…my browser crashed. Here we go, again…

I’m not one of those atheist-Empty Tomb-nerds, I’m just an atheist nerd. But perhaps I should be. There are many interesting factors with that whole crucifixion to empty Tomb stuffs. Examining this stuff can make your faith stronger, or it can make you a better, more knowledgeable atheist.

Yea, another reason to NOT be proud of my beautiful Philippines. Noooooo.

The ancient Romans really like to do one thing to messiahs…they kill-ed them on the cross-crucifixion. And that is what they did to Jesus, or did they. Typically when crucified, besides the nailing (oh the nailing), the subjects legs are broken. This is done so the peeps doesn’t support their weight with their legs. One really dies on the cross not from the nailing, but by being suffocated. With arms stretched out, the chest compresses and eventually (a day, two or three) the unlucky nail-ie dies…or do they.

Jewish historian Josephus had a homie that survived a crucifixion, so it was not unheard of, which means it is quite possible that Jesus survived his ordeal also. Not only that, Jesus’ legs were not broken** like what was typical practice. Depending on which gospel you read, biblical accounts claim that he was on the cross for up to 6 hours. That is not the 1-3 days that the NOT Son’s of God spent on the cross to die. Here’s where it gets fun. It is speculated that the well known scene from the bible, the vinegar sponge, the sponge that Jesus’ homie wiped his face with was, get this…spiked.

I know it sounds all conspiracy-ish, but the theory goes the sponge was spiked with a tranquilizer of some sort. When J’s disciple wiped his face he immediately said, “It is done,” then he went dead-ed. Some accounts say it was in the 3rd hour, some say 6hrs, which again, is a short amount of time to die on the cross. Why did Jesus die so quickly, not coincidentally right after his face was wiped.  Maybe he didn’t die.

Whoa, I think the stuff is kicking in.

The ancients peeps, (nonexistent Gawd bless them), by today’s standards were-I’ll just call it like it is-stupid. They were dumb, they didn’t know sh*t from shineola, dumber than a box of rocks etc…One thingy that we totally know way better than the ancients is the difference between death and near death (and even with today’s knowledge and technology, we still sometimes get fooled). If Jesus was “tranqued” and his totally motionless, unresponsive body with (probably) low blood pressure just lay there, then by all appearances dude must be dead…or not. They didn’t have the term back then, but today we call that a Near Death Experience (NDE). So the ancients were stupid heads and we can blame them, right. Not so fast.

“No, I didn’t leave the light on. Did you?”

Mark Stanford religious historian, “It doesn’t make them frauds or shysters. It makes them genuine people that thought they witnessed a miracle.” I can go for that. They didn’t know any better. You don’t know what you don’t know and if you don’t know any better then bygolly (is by-golly one word) you can’t be blamed. So we can’t blame the Roman authorities for not knowing the difference between death and near death.

Even if the sponge scenario didn’t happen, Jesus still could have survived. Some peeps suggest that he was in a shock induced coma and then recovered in the tomb. Remember that he was on the cross a relatively short amount of time. When Jesus’ homie, Joseph of Arimethia, went to the tomb he brought healing herbs and not embalming herbs. Did these guys have the totally most clever plan: knock out your leader, make it appear that he is all dead-ed, go and treat him then….If that is how it went down, then that is awesome sauce. I kinda hope that if I ever get into a jam that me and my homies can come up with something like that. It’s quite brilliant.

“Oh Gawd is that you. I’m dressing right now. Nooo, I’m so embarrassed…I feel fat.”

So let’s say that Jesus didn’t die on the cross…what happened. This is my favorite part. Growing up a very good devout Filipino Catholic I/we/you/us learned that after the crucifixion Jesus literally rose into the air to go meet his dad. Ascension is part of the whole fabric of belief. If you are missing ascension then the prophecies will not be fulfilled. That is the excuse/reason that church leaders give us to explain why there are no remains of Jesus, why there are no bones. John Crossan of the Jesus Seminar says something like they want you to believe in the unbelievable, when that happens, they got you. In this case what “they” want you to believe is that there are no physical remains of Jesus because the physical remains (the whole corpse, bones and all) rose into the air, into heaven and went to his dads house in the sky. Or….

I like this one better..So whatever method of survival JC and the JC Crew used, whether it was intended tranquilizing, or accidental coma then resuscitation, the tomb was empty. One of the most interesting theories I have come across is that after surviving the crucifixion Jesus skedaddled and headed out of town with….da da daaaaaa, his babe, the “repentant prostitute” Mary Magdalene. And you know what kind, gentle, intelligent and very good looking reader, that is so awesome hot sauce, I’m a gonna make that it’s own post. Yea baby, oh yea.

** Were JC’s legs broken? I don’t think so.

* BBC documentary that I’ve been going ape sh*t over this week.

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