I’ve Been Thinking About You…I Miss You
|“The sun looks beautiful in the horizon.” “No baby, You look beautiful in the horizon” Then we both laugh.|
I’ve been thinking about You so much lately. I’m going through that thing that we used to talk about all the time, that thing that ultimately destroyed us. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. As I look back, I now feel that I could have been a better person to You; I could have been there and not left. Earlier this week when I was crying uncontrollably on the bathroom floor, when I should have been working, I thought about how I walked away from you…when You were crying. I guess you reap what you sow. There was no one there for me and I felt every bit of that: sobbing uncontrollably on a dirty floor, obviously not enuff serotonin in my stupid little brain and no one there for me.
This is my favorite of favorite poems that I have written for You in the past couple of years.
The Space Between
I will meet you
in the moment between dawning and dawn
(or) where the ocean accepts the river
In the garden of union
where that which pollinates
hovers about your nectar face
I will meet you
in that indefinite period
when seeds turn to tree’s
when eventide cedes to night
In the space between
i grow smaller and wait (Fri Dec 18, 2009 )
|I miss the coolness of walking on trails along the river. I miss You.|
I wish I still had that book that You gave me years ago, “When Things Fall Apart.” I always thought the title should be When You Fall Apart, because that is what it feels like. First it is a nervous tension and you think “maybe I need to stretch or something.” Then it starts to well up inside and the mind starts to obsess. At first it’s slow, but very soon-too soon-it starts racing and racing. If there was a way to stop it I certainly would. I know, even after all these years, if You could stop it You would. I can hear Your voice say, “I hate to see you like this, is there something I can do?”
I wrote this one for You also. I like it because it’s short and simple, but it’s meaning transcends time and everyday atheist materialism. Believers have hijacked “letting go” (among all the others things), but we can let go too. I’ll let go of the fear that it is going to happen today, that when my eyes well up with tears someone will see and think I’m weak (yes baby, I still have that fear). I know it’s going to happen, again and again, so I might as well let go, then face it while I’m feeling it.
I haven’t written to You in a while, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking about You-because I have, esp. this week. I hope everything it OK. The truck and the (remaining) dog must be getting old. I know You have fears of their demise-I know You. I miss my dog-bro…I miss You. I just wanted You to know that I’ve been thinking about You. I still love You after all these years.
I am falling, like an autumn leaf
through the space between worlds and stars
Your song is the whisper through the tree’s
it is deeper than the deepest root
Endlessly, I am falling
falling for you
* Inspired by Autumn, Infinity and You (thanks baby) (Fri Dec 4, 2009)